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[27 Nov 2009|01:29am] |
Hello all. I've decided to use livejournal again because I get all panicky and weird whenever I try to write in real notebooks. It's like I'm terrified of having paper records of my poorly written garbage, so I write a sentence, rip the page out, think for an hour, then repeat the cycle.
Anyway, I know no one reads this now (except maybe weird anonymous commentators.. i was reading old entries, and there seem to be a lot of those).
I think livejournal is a kind of cool way to keep track of your life over the years. For example, if 10 years from now I want to know what I was like on Thanksgiving '09, I can look back at this entry and remember, "Ahh, a nervous wreck!"
It's rather strange. A little over a year ago, I morphed from my wired, insomniac self to a drudgery sleep-all-the-time type.. and a couple of days ago, wham, I switched back. Just like that. I first started feeling nervous and jumpy on Tuesday. At first I attributed it to the coffee that I mistakenly drank at an architectural site that afternoon. And also to the fact that I was boxing again.
But we all know that's a load of crap. It's because I've been talking to people (person) on AIM, and because one can only stay in denial/ in a stupor for so long (talking career path wise here, i'm happy personally), and because i still don't know what I'm doing with my life. But I'm excited.
I'm in the same place I was in 2 years ago.. making a portfolio (albeit, this one is for cooper union, and this time I actually know how to paint), in a serious relationship that's keeping me sane (this time with a wonderful human being, not a never-seen-the-daylight womanizer) (jeez, so many parenthetical disclaimers!), and I'm working as a painting instructor instead of a video store clerk. My dad hasn't changed (he made a Thanksgiving stink this year), and my reaction to him hasn't changed (moped all day).
Blarb. I've lost interest. Write more later, I guess.
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[23 Oct 2009|01:51am] |
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pianomynano: i dumped her because she had a bizarre way of eating pizza
pianomynano: she didn't like cheese so she would sit there and pull it off with her fingers
pianomynano: it was really embarrassing
In other news, I've been painting constantly for the last 3 days and it's making me really happy.
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| stolen from dave |
[14 May 2009|01:01am] |
Comment on this entry, and I will:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.
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[18 Mar 2009|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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sam cooke- bring it on home to me |
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It's one of those times when I really want to talk to somebody, but no one's around.. so I guess livejournal is an appropriate alternative.
Going off the pill was one of the best decisions I've made. I guess I'm just as moody, but I feel so much more alive than I have in years. (Notice how my mood icon says "sad" not "depressed." I'm so grateful for this passing wave of contemplative sadness.. I'm not numb anymore!)
Unfortunately, last night I had a dream about alternate world dream Nate/ everyone I've ever loved and expected more from. One of those dreams where I just held him and talked with him and laughed.. but reality kicked in this time while I was still sleeping. He hit me in my sleep, and I swear, I woke up with a stinging sensation on my cheek.
I'm reading Tender is the Night. I've read the beginning about a dozen times, but for some reason it wouldn't sink in until this time. I'm almost done with it, and I have to say, it's one of my favorite books. The ending might ruin it, who knows. I hate those books that carry along so nicely, then smack you in the face with a poorly thought out or just plain cruel ending. I hate getting attached to the characters then seeing them spiral into darkness and despair.
It must be so difficult to be a parent who's separated from his or her child. I can't even begin to imagine what that kind of bond is like, but it must be the worst heartbreak in the world.
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[10 Mar 2009|07:22pm] |
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 optimistic |
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Once upon a time, somebody who used to be very dear to me held me in his arms and whispered these tender words:
"My ex girlfriend is taking birth control pills now. It wouldn't count as cheating if I slept with her once to see what unprotected sex feels like, would it?"
Barely sixteen, and lacking both common sense and self confidence, I interpreted this as a call to duty. Of course I had to start taking these pills so prevent my boyfriend from sleeping with the lobotomized field hockey slut gone stripper!
So off to the doctor, and then to the pharmacist, and then straight to hell I willingly skipped.
Now, three years down the road, I have finally stopped taking them.
I am finally with someone absolutely wonderful, who treats me like the most beautiful creature he has ever set eyes upon; not a brainless freak who uses me as a sperm receptacle when necessary, and treats me like an untouchable the rest of the time.
I'm finally starting to pull out of this Nate-induced depression. I'm reading more, and I'm training to fight in a lei tai tournament this July. I'm learning Russian and Chinese, and for some reason, I'm cooking a lot of curry.
I have everything to look forward to. After the withdrawal symptoms are over, I should feel like myself again.
In April Ilya and I are going to Nice and St. Petersburg. It just happens to be cheaper to fly to Russia with a stop in Mediterranean paradise. :P
And last, but not least, I have the strangest, most lovable cat on earth.
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[08 Dec 2008|02:20pm] |
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[05 Dec 2008|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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 suffocated |
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life is going nowhere, everyone's complaining about money, and happiness is an unattainable farce.
today i found nate's mom's ex-cat at a shelter. he looked absolutely miserable. we might adopt him, but i might never hear the end of it.
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[28 Nov 2008|12:06am] |
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there's always one more elephant to be knit.
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[01 Oct 2008|10:52pm] |
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optimistic |
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I'm going to stop apologizing when I'm not at fault and compromising when there's no need.
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[28 Sep 2008|10:58am] |
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good |
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I think I'm finally past it. It's been over 5 months since my relationship with Nate took a rapid turn towards disaster.. over 1 month since he decided he never wanted to see me again.. and I finally feel somewhat okay. Maybe it's just an off day, and I woke up feeling right.. but I NEVER wake up feeling right. At least I haven't since the last time I woke up in his arms.. no, longer ago than that.
And I'm over George. Hah. You'd think that would have happened years ago, but I never really dealt with it until last night.
I don't know what it was.. some kind of divine revelation I guess.. but all of a sudden I understood that people come and go. It wasn't a painful destruction of my idealism or anything like that.. I think I just grew up a little. I realized how silly it is to think ahead, warp reality, plan a future with someone without REALLY falling in love first.. hanging on to little happy moments just to feel okay from day to day.. That's just not the right way to think.
It's time to stop fooling myself.
But it's also time to move to a foreign country.. an ALIEN country.. so who the hell knows what kind of mental issues will arise.
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[26 Sep 2008|01:13pm] |
Some people are really, really moronic.
Also: Recent information has led me to believe that Lenore is a wimpy Josef Stalin.
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[24 Sep 2008|06:41pm] |
I'll do a plus minus thing like Ethan did. :)
- - - Broke my finger. Same one that I broke 5 years ago. Merf.
- - - - - Nate keeps bothering me just to say mean or vulgar things.
+ + + + + + Fed the goats peaches with Suz
Blargh. I have crappy health insurance, so I can only afford one therapy appointment.. I'm trying to make a list of all the things I want to say ahead of time so I don't miss anything.. but it's just making me want to cry or explode or something.
Ugh.
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[23 Sep 2008|05:32pm] |
Maybe it's just a part of the general nostalgia that I'm feeling, but I really miss livejournal.
I miss when everyone (and by that I mean the small group of people who I associated with in middle school and early high school) ranted and raved, poured their hearts out, and searched for some kind of mutual sense of belonging.. on the internet.
I miss when people's livejournal entires weren't just cryptic, pseudo-poetic sentences, or "profound" pictures.
I miss when people actually got angry at each other because of the crap posted on this silly website.
I miss Carl's stream of consciousness posts, Ethan's online omniscience, Liz's updates about concerts and whatnot, Dina and Cara's random appearances, Nicole's friendly comments, Aidan's angry comments, and ill-informed political fights between Sam and everybody else. I miss Eric Stratmann and Petr Yakovlev. I miss Sophie, Justine, everyone. I miss all of that.
Anyway, I'm moving to China in less than a month.. and I'm going to be totally alone there. I think everyone would benefit from reestablishing a strong, ridiculous online community.
I guess I'm preemptively missing social contact..
So let's try to make this happen! Anyone game?
(I'm certainly ready to inappropriately pour my heart out to the whole world...)
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[10 Sep 2008|09:55pm] |
if he loved me, he would come
and he would roll up my sleeves.
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[04 Aug 2008|01:11pm] |
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i fucking hate all of these people and i can't wait to leave forever
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[30 Jul 2008|12:36am] |
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help?
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[30 Jul 2008|12:00am] |
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Why are all of the "adults" in my life SUCH FUCKING BABIES?
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[28 Jul 2008|12:13am] |
i know i've been posting a lot, but hey, fuck you.
just wanted to say
WHYYYYY WISDOM TEETH, WHYYY?!I
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[28 Jul 2008|12:02am] |
change of attitude.. that movie sword of doom made me really pissed off at men.. almost dyke level pissed at men
so yeah...
I'M STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL AND I'M NOT "TAINTED" OR WEAK OR "MESSED UP" OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
hmph.
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